a funny story (you may need to know some internet memes)

in this story, i will portray a war fought between 2 fictional sides. the story will focus on a group of soldiers from Boxxy nation, who have been separated from their platoon and are now hopelessly lost. They're trying to find their platoon without attracting the attention of soldiers from the Zonday nation. For more information on the memes, you may visit my other blog, lessonsofchange.blogspot.com, or you can go check encyclopedia dramatica. I also included spoofs of the final fantasy series.

"Yo Zonk," said Aldri89z. "Have you managed to find the travelling sales guy yet?"

"No Al," said Zonkyboy87. " I was sure he'll appear somewhere around here, the walkthrough said this road was one of the locations he'll appear."

"I hope you got your walkthrough from a proper guidebook."

"No, i downloaded it from some unknown chinese website."

"WTF!!1!"

"Hey, the guidebook costs more than what avid gamers would buy, anyway, what do we do now?"

Al looked at gayshit200 who was still weak from fighting.

"I dunno man, but we better find that salesman soon, we need to fill our inventory with sufficient potions and phoenix downs, and considering the foes we're about to encounter, some remedy as well. Not to forget, we still have to level up Sass, her MP isn't sufficient to sustain us in combat."

Sassy888, the team's medic, looked at them briefly, then returned her gaze to the fire place.

"One curaga already takes up 10 MP, come to think of it, how come she already has curaga when her level's so low?"

"Blame it on the smart ass who keyed in the cheat code, o well...Ah! what luck! here he comes now!"

The team turned around to see a man dressed in ridiculously looking persian attire, walking towards them with a basket. He was fat, like how they remembered him, and he hadn't bothered to shave that moustache of his, but they figured it was because he wanted to look persian.

"Hey, Olan Blaise at your service (he was the only one around here who had somewhat of a resemblance to a human name). Would ya like to see my wares?"

"Blaise!" exclaimed Zonk. "What great timing, I was searching for ya! What are your wares in this area?"

"Glad you asked sonny," he said. "The usual, potions going at 50 gold, phoenix downs at 70, antidotes at 50, remedies at 80..."

"Yea, I'll take 50 potions, 10 phoenix downs, 20 antidotes and 20 remedies, o, you have elixirs too, I'll take 50 of those."

"Ah really good sonny, you are my best customer. I still haven't forgotten the time we first met, you gave me 250 000 gold to start my business even though you only had that much on you."

"That was because I read the walkthrough, 250 000 is the max amount i give you, so you would give me better discounts as the story progresses. Besides, we can always pick up gold when we defeat enemies."

"LOL!" laughed Blaise. "Speaking of enemies, the road ahead is full of Zonday troops and their non-human minions. And you must be careful sonny, these Zonday troops are the elite of the elite, they have mastered 'chocolate rain'! "

"OMGWTF!" exclaimed Al from afar. "Did you say 'chocolate rain' ? "

"In the low voice too I'm afraid," Blaise shook his head. "I'm afraid remedies won't do the job, only the medic can cast spells to relieve it."

"Shit! With our medic at such low levels, there's no way we can make it through the road alive. What should we do?"

"No worries," said Blaise. "Before you encounter danger, you would find sufficient stalls and people you can seek help from along the way. There's a weapons salesman not too far from here, about 20 paces down in fact, and another salesman selling rare items, but you need quite a lot of gold for that. And you can try playing a minigame at the lake over there, it's a good deal, you get a powerful weapon and at least 200 000 gold."

"Well, that settles it then, " said Al. "Zonk, you go find the weapon salesman, gay, you go find the rare items salesman, Sass, you go play the minigame."

"And what would you do Al?" asked Zonk.

"There's a cave not too far from here, I heard people are trapped inside, held hostage by a vile beast. I shall go rescue them."

"Ah yes," said Blaise. "That's a miniquest I forgot to mention, rescue those people and you can summon the beast in battle, it is a very high level beast, so be careful."

5 hours later

"O good, I see you guys are all back, status report," said Al.

Zonk was the first to speak.

"I went to talk to the weapons salesman, his prices are extravagant to say the least, however, if we can show him a Treb-Sonic Annihilator, we can get them at 80% discounts."

"Would it be this?" asked Sass, who was holding a queer looking contraption. "I won this from the minigame."

"O, this could be it," said Zonk. "The salesman said it has the power to boost strength, HP and MP by 20% to the person wearing it, and when life is critical, it boosts agility by 200%! The downside is when that happens, the person is automatically put in berserker mode."

"Erm...ya, that was what I was told too," said Sass. "By the lake fairy."

"What was the minigame by the way?"

"Riding an ostrich to burst balloons."

"Ah, the minigames get lamer by the day..."

"Hey, it wasn't easy ya know, I had to replay it at least 20 times, the ostrich was so f---ing hard to control."

Al nodded in approval.

"Ok, gayshit, what about the rare items dealer?"

"He had rather interesting items for sale, such as LOLcats and dramatic prairie dogs, but really, none of them are of much use to us. We are supposed to buy them, they then get sent back to our homeland and then we can watch them when we get back, it's really lame. However, he did give us a rather good gift."

gayshit stood aside to reveal an extremely beautiful girl, dressed in white garb with long flowing black hair.

"Her name's Veia," he said. "She's the salesman's daughter. He asked me to marry her in exchange for her summoning prowess."

"O wow!" exclaimed Al. "That's great, now we have a summoner in our party! I was worried whom I would give this summon to."

Al opened up his hand, to show a shining orb.

"This is Ceiling cat," he said. "One of the LOLcats, but in real form."

"Woah! That was the beast that was holding the people hostage?" asked Zonk.

"No, it turned out the problem wasn't Ceiling cat. Basement cat was the one holding the people hostage. Ceiling cat went to save them. When I got there, Ceiling cat was already starting to fight Basement cat, so I teamed up with him. He's really good, his HP and MP are already at the 9999 limit, as well as his attacks."

"Ah, I see," said Veia all of a sudden. "So this Ceiling cat, he volunteered to join us on our quest."

"Why yes," said Al. "Can you handle him?"

"Of course," said Veia. "I'm a LOLcat summoner, I already have Longcat and Limecat on my summon list."

"Ok, that's great guys. Tomorrow, we get weapons from the weapon salesman, then we move out to Angredes peak to battle Lorengium, the dark beast. It seems after we defeat him, we would finally have a clue as to where our friendly forces may be."

They all went to sleep, and the next morning...

"Ok, I just got back from the weapons guy, I bought each of us something. Zonk, your speciality is melee combat, so i got you this hefty sword, 'Arecius'. It boosts your HP and MP by 10% , it also comes with the 'counter-attack' feature as well as poison touch. Sass, I got you 'Hope Bracelet', it boosts your MP and HP by 20% and doubles your exp after each battle, so you can level up faster. gay, you specialise in black magic, so I got you 'Arcane bracelet', it boosts MP by 30%, magic by 20% and also has the nullflame property. For myself, I specialise in range attacks, so I got 'Virtue rifle', boosts HP and MP by 10%, strength by 20% and accuracy by 20% as well."

"Anything for me?" asked Veia.

"O, ya, I got you this rare item, used only for summoners, the 'Vrex'. In case your LOLcats get defeated, you would only have to wait 1 battle instead of 3 before you can use him again. Also, this enables your summons to break the 9999 limit."

"O, that's great!"

with that, our heroes set off along the treacherous trail, battling Zonday troops and other strange minions. Finally, they reached Angredes peak.

"O my!" exclaimed Zonk as he stared at the huge number of Zonday troops guarding the gates to the fortress. "Good thing I bought a hefty number of items from Blaise back then. Can't imagine charging into this place with less than 40% HP."

"There's a save sphere over there, go save the game first."

After that was done, the party gathered to discuss the strategy. But Zonk left the team for a while to take a leak. When he returned, he had not bothered to ask anyone what they had discussed, really quite dense.

"Ok, let's do it!" he yelled.

"Hey wait!"

"LEEROY JENKINS!"

His team watched in horror as he ran towards the enemies, raising Arecius in the air.

"O crap, who needs a strategy anyway?"

It was a particularly easy fight, and at the end of the road, there was another save sphere and another shop selling items. No problem, time to face the boss.

"Lorengium is a very vile creature," said Al. "He is known to use the most vicious attacks on his enemies, such as 'Ms Teen South Carolina', which renders the person unable to control his actions and articulation, as well as wanting to educate people in South Africa and Iraq. Not to forget, Rickroll, which would force you to watch the music vid of Rick Astley the next time you choose any action. And there's also Angry German Kid, which would cause you to yell profanities in German like a 10 year old, very vile indeed."

"O my, perhaps, I should just summon Ceiling Cat on him?" asked Veia.

"Hey, that's a good idea. But Lorengium's HP is very high, Ceiling Cat may not last."

And indeed, Ceiling Cat didn't last. Lorengium was a green scaly dragon with about 999 999 HP, despite Ceiling cat's powers, it only managed to knock off 200 000 HP before dying. It also wasn't very pretty when Veia tried to summon the other LOLcats. Lorengium had decided to use 'voodoo', which killed off the LOLcats in an instant.

"Shit! We would have to fight him ourselves then!"

"Damn! If only we had played more minigames back then, we would have better weapons!"

Lorengium really wasn't easy, he was immune to confusion, poison and berserk. The party's HP was getting lower, and they were constantly getting inflicted with all sorts of statuses.

"Shit, I guess I'll have to try this!" said Al. "Cat nip!"

"Cat nip?"

"I have the trigger happy option, which allows me to constantly fire at the enemy for about 10 seconds or so. Cat nip enables me to deal 9999 damage with each of my attacks when my HP is critical. So you can imagine how much I can slice off him each time. But guys, prepare pheonix downs, Sass, prepare your revive spell, I will be dying a lot. Whatever you do, don't use Max revive, otherwise it would negate the effects of catnip."

The plan worked, Lorengium was soon down, however, not before inflicting 'Ms Teen South Carolina' on Veia and 'Angry German Kid' on gayshit. But it was fine, there was a save sphere nearby, and all HP, MP were restored and all statuses gone.

"We can finally rejoin our troops," said Zonk. "There's a map just over there, telling us where our guys are."

"Great job guys!" said Al.

A long cutscene followed, in which a lot of romantic and touching things happened. And then, finally, they returned to the rest of the Boxxy troops.

"Hey, I'm so glad we found you guys. But why do I get this feeling that we're in for some trouble?" asked Al.

"Well," said one of the other soldiers. "It seemed you did a fine job, but you only completed 70% of the story. You didn't play all the minigames, helped only 30% of the villagers, and constantly interrupted an old man as he was telling his story. I'm afraid this isn't going to be a very happy ending."

"Wha...?"

"Oh SHHH.... I DIVIDED BY ZERO!!!!"

a large explosion tore the base apart, sending the heroes's souls back in time and to the beginning of the story.

"Dude, that was lame," Al said to me.

"I'm sorry," I replied. "It's my lunch time and I'm very hungry, I was in a hurry to finish my story."

"O crap," said Zonk. "Now we'll have to play the story all over again..."

"No worries," I said. "Just remember to play all the minigames and help everyone you meet along the way. Then, watch out for this kid sitting on the roof of the first house you see. It's annoying, but you must speak to him if you want to achieve 100% completion."

"But what would we get if we acheive 100% completion?"

"You get to see an underwater make-out scene, alright, off you go, and off i go to eat my lunch."

And with that, the heroes started the whole story gain, from level one.

This is perhaps the lamest piece of crap ive ever written. I'm so proud of myself :)

Chronicles of Illumix, The Impure One (Story Background)

Hey guys, I'm starting a series of short stories entitled Chronicles of Illumix, The Impure One. In these series of stories, the idea of power through imperfection, as well as realms of science, psionic powers and the supernatural will be explored. You will see some of my personal beliefs expressed in this story, especially the concept of how a person who really makes a difference to the world is one who is neither good nor bad, but a healthy mix of both. Also, if you find the mindset and thoughts of Illumix familiar, that's because I based him after my own life experiences. This is just the background of the story, there'll be more to come, have fun guys:)

Among the many stories told in the planet of Avantasia, none has ever been repeated as often as the story of Illumix. Named after light, yet constantly plagued with darkness, he is known to have been the first guardian of light to ever possess powers of darkness. While this made many question his position as the guardian of light, he has no doubt arisen during the period of Yamirix, a time when darkness and fear plagued the universe, and brought salvation to all beings in the Elagon Universe. The following series of short stories describes his ascension to power, as well as how his perspectives of the world changes as he matures, and finally, how his new and unconventional beliefs brought calm to the ongoing battles between light and darkness.
Before it all began
In a universe unknown to us, in a time beyond our imaginations, there exists a massive universal empire that spans 5000 planets, across 600 star systems and 18 galaxies. The empire had been established for a total of 17 million years, starting from the star system of Laglasia, which housed the planet Avantasia. It had had a long history of war, especially during the previous 1 million years, when many systems near the border struggled for their independence. Often, the strategy adopted by the empire was always through force, but due to that, it has lost much of its popularity among the more loyal systems.
During the period of Nexodis, which was about 1000 years prior to the start of this story, Emperor Nexodis established the ‘Guardian System’. The objective was to set up an elite band of humans armed with the strongest psionic capabilities, to establish ‘truth, order and justice’ in the empire. There were a total of 7 guardians, namely, Light, Sync, Order, Creativity, Knowledge, Love and Darkness. In name, they were to promote peace and intellectual thought throughout the universe, but really, it was Emperor Nexodis’ elegant scheme to control the outer rim systems.
Centuries have passed, and while the guardian system had continued, the original hidden agenda had long been forgotten. For 500 years, it had become a truly noble system which had promoted the progress of scientific and psionic research throughout the empire, as well as maintaining peace and harmony among the many star systems.
But peace and harmony never lasts long.
500 years prior to the story, the guardian of darkness then, Yamirix, was very dissatisfied with his position. The guardian of darkness had a responsibility to maintain the balance of light and dark. In other words, if the guardian of light was doing too much of a good job, he was to introduce some darkness to the empire, for instance, spreading diseases or creating calamities. The rationale was that if the universe was too peaceful, no one would bother to progress, and the inertia of knowledge and creativity would lead to the eventual end of the empire. However, during his time, the guardians of light, knowledge and creativity were too good! In peace time, Luminos, the guardian of light, would take the initiative to ensure people are using the times of peace to advance their knowledge about the inner workings of the universe. Generis, the guardian of creativity, went about with Luminos to educate people on the wonders of thinking out of the box. Limix, the guardian of knowledge, shared his wealth of learning with the universe. There was virtually no opportunity for Yamirix to express his sadistic desire for destruction. Many a times he had approached the emperor, and many a times he had been told to wait.
But guardians of darkness were chosen because they were bad, they were chosen because they had no qualms about killing defenceless beings and bringing sadness to worlds. Among the 7 guardians, he was the most supervised, and often, he was shunned by the others. However, he usually had one close friend among the 7, and it was the guardian of light. The guardian of light was chosen for his pure heart, a heart which respects all lives and beliefs. Quite often, the two guardians would discuss about how they could work together to maintain the balance of good and evil in the universe. But unfortunately, in that particular generation, the balance had not been checked. Luminos was too pure, too good that he could not stand talking to Yamirix. Yamirix was too evil, too sadistic and cynical, to converse with Luminos in a friendly manner. Instead of working with the guardian of darkness like he should, Luminos chose to work with his pals Generis and Limix instead.
There finally came a day when tensions between the two guardians reached a breaking point. Luminos reprimanded Yamirox in front of the other 5 guardians about his disrespect for life and progress and even said ‘If people are already happy and leading fruitful lives, why should you even bother?’
On the same day, Yamirox broke into the imperial palace, and using his secretly researched dark psionic powers, killed the emperor and took control of the entire imperial army. The other 6 guardians were forced to flee from Avantasia, and escaped to the star system of Nobeno, which was lying on the outermost rims of the empire and barely touched even during the periods of civil war. Over there, they encountered a practice never heard of in the empire, namely, astrology, prophecy and clairvoyance. Though scientifically and psionically backwards, the inhabitants of Nobeno were very established in occult practices, and claimed they had forseen the rise of Yamirox and the arrival of the 6 refugee guardians to their system. They had even forseen, that 500 years in the future, the most powerful guardian of light in history would arise and restore the order of light and darkness to the universe. For the next 500 years however, the guardians were to continue their legacy on Nobeno only.
So for 500 years, the 6 generations of guardians taught the Nobenians science and psionics. In exchange, the Nobenians taught them occlumancy, numerology, astrology and even necromancy. It was 500 years of peace on Nobeno, but in the main body of the empire, Yamirox had brought death and destruction to any world who had dared to challenge his reign. Due to his research on dark psionics, he was able to find a way to extend his lifespan to 2000 years and due to the great distance of Nobeno from the main governing body of the empire, he had assumed the other 6 guardians had escaped to a distant part of the universe and had not bothered with finding them. He would rather bring terror and fear to trillions of inhabitants in the empire than 6 losers who ran away from him.
But 500 years had passed, and one night, he had a strong feeling of unease, which seemed to come from a star billions of lightyears away.